How to deal with feeling unsupported

Do you feel like your family does not support your choices, whether it be your course of study in school, your current partner, religious views or career? Has your family already planned out your life?

Although it is nice to feel supported by people who you care about, sometimes their plans don’t align with your own. Unfortunately, lack of support from friends or family can sometimes create tensions, and make your journey through life difficult. 

Within many cultures, education and/or a career is very important. Certain careers or levels of education come with certain prestige. For example, I have often heard clients state that their parents want them to be,, a teacher, lawyer, doctor or an engineer. Many parents have developed ideas of the paths that their children should take and when those paths are not taken, it can be alot for parents to adjust their mindset. However, if you were to go into nursing, when you really wanted to be a teacher, would you be happy or would you dread working 12 hour shifts?

Many parents have immigrated from their country of origin to start over. As a result, many children of immigrants feel obligated to fulfill the dreams of their parents, as they are aware of and are often reminded of the sacrifices their parents have made to move to a new country. I have also found in my work, individuals go along with their parents' wishes to oblige them. However, overtime going along with a decision that you are unhappy with can build resentment. 

Social Work is not a career path that was discussed or known in my family. I had family members who did not support my choice and would share their opinions on career paths. However, eventually the suggestions stopped as I continued on my journey and began working in the field.

Here are a few things to consider when making decisions that you feel are unsupported:

Being okay with having differences of opinion

If your parents or friends do not agree with your decision to complete a program of study or career path, it will be important to understand their concerns and why. If their concerns are legitimate, ask yourself how can this concern be dealt with or what things have I not considered? There may be good intention in their concerns, but the final decision is up to you. No matter the decision, you will not be able to please everyone. Also, be aware that individuals share their concerns due to their own fears and worries. It is important to communicate your thoughts and feelings if you feel safe to do so.

Find your support circle

Questions to ask yourself: What is your goal? Do you see yourself in this career or with this partner on a long-term basis? Will this decision bring me joy? What is your dream and will you regret not pursuing it?

When working with clients, I suggest to them to set boundaries with the individuals in their lives. It is important to communicate your boundaries, whether it is only discussing issues with certain individuals who you may find supportive or open minded; or asking individuals to keep their thoughts to themselves. Communicate how you would like to be supported. Do you need encouragement or do you need to end conversations when they become negative? Develop a support system that respects your decisions to develop your own path.

Individuals' concerns may make you question your own plans and ideas. It will be important to write affirmations and understand your ‘whys’. Imposter syndrome can easily creep up so ask yourself, “Why are you taking this career path? Why are you passionate about this field of work or this partner?” Once you understand why, it will drive you to work towards your goal. People may not understand, but it’s not for them to understand. Throughout this process, it will be important to surround yourself with a supportive cheering squad. Family and friends’ support are something I think we all want, unfortunately sometimes you may have to find others in your circle. 

The truth is, stepping out of your comfort zone is not easy. However, the main thing is to have a plan and communicate that plan with your loved ones. There are times that individuals who were naysayers are able to come around and become supportive of your choices, after they see how the plan panned out. However, if you do feel unsupported by your loved ones or friends about a decision, it is okay to feel sad or upset. I believe we all want to be validated and supported. There are individuals or spaces that are out of your immediate circle that you can access, such as mentors, community or religious groups.

We’ve discussed the varying reasons why family members or friends may not support our decision and how it impacts our feelings. It is not an easy decision, however it is important to remember that you are living your life and have to make decisions that make the most sense for you. This is a reminder to be okay with having differing opinions and access a supportive circle of individuals that can guide you. There are many people who may not agree with everything you do, but they still want to see you win. Now that you know this, go after your goals with joy.

Also, check out Winrose Oasis Services for support and tips on managing feeling unsupported. Our services are for individuals based in Ontario, Canada.